“Is it love or oxytocin?”

Another writer once asked that question and my apologies for my poor memory being unable to give proper credit there.
I wonder that myself. As orgasms release that powerful chemical in our body, and teaches us to associate this brief euphoria with the one we desire. So even solo sex in which we are visualizing the partner of our dreams, we are binding ourselves chemically, psychologically to that person with every rush.
And I had sex with myself a LOT today and used him.
I try not to use certain men, the ones I don’t have a shot with either due to their lack of interest or my firm resolve not to engage in sex with a man who wants me only to the extent that he wouldn’t “kick me out of bed”.¬† Obviously, this limits my options for fodder.
But today, my brain only wanted to get off on him so I let it “just this once”. And it was amazing¬† (in my mind). My imagination conjured up such a perfect scenario where he says “I love you” and I respond “But?” to which he insists “No buts” as the distance quickly closes, his hands in my hair, lips on mine, clothes flying…
and that was another rule I broke: The “L” word. Don’t think it. Keep it kinky, primal, pornographic even but don’t invite Heart to the orgy.
So I orgasmed HARD, repeatedly. Like, soaked my panties orgasm. But when I opened my eyes, I mouthed “I love you too” to no one.


“Take these lips, I’ll never use them…” F.Sinatra

I almost titled this post “Will someone just come over and eat my pussy now?” but I dont really want that. Yes, I want someone to touch me. All hands, lips, tongue and hair, I want to be naked and sweating and enjoying orgasm after orgasm while pressed against the body of a man but a PARTICULAR man and therein is the catch.

My life is a b-rated rom-com. Tragic becuase like Shakespeare in Love, the comedy is there all along but the tragic ending is unpredictable and leaves you sitting there like “What the hell just happened? He DIED???”

I was celebrating not being dead below the waist these last…4? 6 weeks? I think of him often but resist reaching out. Because I had a distraction. The first person I have been attracted to since ‘him’. But I dont like to poop where I eat so I just fantasized about this quiet, reserved man at work and wondered if he was a freak under the ties and proper button ups. When he powered through my spicy adobo pork at a work-place potluck a couple weeks ago, sweating without protest like Ben Stiller’s character in “Along Came Polly” (romcom sans tragedy), he endeared himself to me and I began to to brainstorm ways how I might ask him out, or at least elicit the infomration from a third party if he would be interested in going out with me. By now, he was working elsewhere, no longer in the same building and I thought “Fair game!” Finally, tonight was the night, I decided. I had plans to meet up with coworkers after work at the American Legion and decided I would ask a female acquaintance of mine, one who used to work with him, if she thought I had a chance and if so, would she pass him my number.
Turns out, she and I were the only ones who showed up. Perfect! Uninhibited girl talk ensued and for an hour, I listened enthusiastically while she told me all about her amazing new boyfriend who she had been with for three months and counting. He wasnt her ‘type’ because he was reserved but oh-so-affectionate and crazy about her. He even started taking salsa lessons because he knew dancing was important to her. I immediately chirped “Wow! He’s a keeper! I wish I could find that!”
Then I slid into the question I wanted to ask…about this guy. Ive always been interested but didnt want to date a coworker but now that we arent coworkers anymore…do you think he would consider having a drink with me?
She turned 30 shades of red and replied “That’s who Ive been dating for the last three months.”

A friend once advised me that a closed mouth never gets fed. You have to take a chance. Ask. What is the worst that could happen? He’s not interested? No. The worst that could happen is he recently started dating someone else, the person you just asked to set you up. With her boyfriend. And turns out, from everything she just told you, he’s every bit as amazing as you imagined he would be in your fantasy world.
Oh but wait! It gets better! I played it off and after the initial awkward moment passed, she was oblivious to the depth of my disappointment and continued for another HOUR to tell me more about how wonderful he was: how it all started, the romance, how he is surprisingly a freak in the sheets. (the quiet ones always are, right?)
She talked. I smiled. I screamed inwardly “Please G-d make it stop, just get me OUT of here!”

A storm rolls in and we call it a night. It’s an early night. I had a kitchen pass in the form of a pet-sitter but nowhere to go. I sat in my car and cried at my luck.That’s my luck! I didnt want to go home but I had nowhere to go. Plenty of friends but no single friends. I could go somewhere else, anywhere else alone to grab a bite and have another drink but my face was a wreck now.

So I drove home. Crying the whole way.

Get home and the dog and his crate was covered in shit and piss.
My elderly incontinent cat was also covered in shit and piss.

I clwaned the dog and his crate.
Then I bathed the cat.
All the while thinking “This is my life. Friday night. Alone. Lonely. Cleaning up shit and piss.” And what will I do tomorrow? Oh, I’ have plans and I’ll stay busy but I will clean up shit and piss again and go to bed alone again.
And the next day. And the next night.
And the next week. And the next month.

I couldnt decide if I wanted wine or liquor. So I’m drinking both. Cheap wine with whatever was left, about two shots worth, of whipped vodka in a 7-11 sippee cup with a lid.
And typing this.
I havent taken a Xanax in probably two months but the wind has been knocked out of me and I dont think I have the energy to do anything at all right now. Even if I had options.

I’m attending the Army ball next month with a few coworkers and invited my dance partner along (who’s super-cool girlfriend isnt the insecure, jealous type) to be… not my date but my wingman. We will be amazing on the dancefloor and he advised me to wear a ‘fuck me right now!” dress that would have every man in the place forgetting about their own dates when they see me.

Thankfully, my shattered crush wont be attending as my coworkers date but she admitted they woudl have a quickie before she leaves for the ball and then fuck the rest of the night when it’s over. He’ll probably just hike her sequined gown up and tear her panties off. That’s what he was doing to me in my mind these last two months.

But I will look amazing and still go home alone.

Did I mention he’s taking salsa lessons for her?

Fuck. You. Life.

Now who do I masturbate to?