I feel like a raindrop over a waterfall – Kenny Chesney

Sorry Mr. Chesney but that lyric is lame. The Flake quoted it to me, not because he was feeling introspective but because that’s the song playing through his speaker at the moment. I can relate to that feeling of insignificance but a raindrop over a waterfall becomes part of the waterfall, something bigger than itself. Offering an alternative perspective to someone who may or may not be listening and may or may not ever suffer from feelings of insignificance.

I told him “goodnight and I miss you. Or maybe I just miss the idea of you” Because how can I miss what I never had?

Is this week of sleepless nights, heightened aches and bouts of hopelessness a result of my body struggling with hormones or a keto diet? Maybe both. My mind feels like a butterknife. My body an uncooperative, aged machine.

Sharing conflicting knowledge and personal experiences with Hashimotos and hypothyroid sufferers in a keto group in social media, I lament, in addition to the challenging dietary restrictions of keto, we must also limit our dairy and cruciferous vegetable intake? My staples are broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, spinach, lettuce, cheese… what CAN we eat? A woman replied “I heard we can have ice cubes”. I laughed heartily at that one. Frustrating but funny!

I also officially took a Hiatus from the samba troupe. They scheduled a publicity photo shoot for the group which I knew was coming. I told them I had hoped to be in better physical shape by the time it came up but that hasn’t happened. I admitted to them that
being excluded because of my size still bothers me and I’ve decided to temporarily pack up my feathers along with the rest of my wardrobe that I haven’t been able to part with since my relapse. I told them thanks for letting me hang but I’m just going to dance with my clothes on in the meantime. What I didn’t admit was that I was not going to subject myself to a photographer who would try to hide the big girl in the back or under a feather fan.

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I’m so fancy…I put ice cubes in my wine

Or as my kin would pronounce it: Whah-yn

Apparently I caught something in transit from Afghanistan. Some infection. Maybe ebola. But two rounds of broad-spectrum antibiotics and I was getting worse. I thought I just needed more sleep. Finally, after passing out while antiquing with family, they convinced me to go to the hospital for blood tests. Narrowed down the strain and this next batch of pills should kill it. Hopefully.

It’s too bad Snapchat doesnt work on emails or I would have made the one I sent someone yesterday in my fevered haze disappear. Yes, nightmares. Yes, sick. Still, he doesnt need me bleeding all over him.

In my defense though, on top of being ill, I also started my period today and the moon is nearly full. At least I don’t use these as excuses to be a bitch.

I saw myself in the bathroom mirror at work today. No makeup and hair be-damned. I look like death. Gotta do something about that. Tomorrow.

A friend from the radio station where I used to work sent me a text to ask if I wanted tix to see one of my favorite groups, NIN next Monday night and you know the first things that popped into my head? Ugh, the drive is a pain in the ass and I’ll be so tired at work the next day…When did I get OLD?? ‘Back in the Radio Days’- and it really wasnt THAT long ago–going to live shows several times a week was part of the job. Yeah, I was tired all the time but damn, I saw some amazing live music! I told my friend “Sure, I’ll take them” but it’s difficult to get excited because seeing Trent at a stadium from a jumbotron with thousands of other assholes sitting in assigned seats is not the same as Trent singing TO ME in the balcony at this intimate little venue known as The Tabernacle in Atlanta.

I’m trying a new mantra on for size: Light of Heart, Calm of Spirit. As these words tend to be recurring themes in my prayers, I decided to focus on them. Repeat them as a sort of self-hypnosis. Write them on my hand even, as a constant visual reminder.

I feel a bit like C.S. Lewis at times like this: I want to be left alone…but I dont want to BE alone. Does that make sense? I just want to ‘be’. Be present in the room amidst the safe company of friends or family. Just don’t look to me for conversation.