nightmare during an attempted mid-afternoon nap yesterday. I don’t think I was
truly asleep but I was trapped. My nightmare revolved around a thought that
nags me when I’m awake: I’m single with no children. My mother is all I have
left and when she’s gone, I’ll truly be alone. In my nightmare, my mother had
passed and I felt so alone, I killed myself.
Burned sage around the bedroom and the house to
try and shake off the funk. I remember something “L” told me: talk to your
past, tell it you are breaking those contracts of regret and resentment and you
want to clear your name with your enemies. Bring on the peace. Slept better
last night but anxiety set in again as the next day wore on and my weekend ran
weekend out of the boot and I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to get
out and dance. Showed up to train for Diavolo on Saturday but they were working
on another piece I wasn’t in so training canceled. And next weekend because of
Labor day, they decided. Too many people out of town. I should have been one of
I went to an Afro Cuban dance class but it was more Bomba than Afro. I couldn’t
see the footwork under the skirts, understood only every fifth word, and felt
like my soul never left the bed today. I used the foot to excuse myself 40 minutes
into the class.
called a friend and said last chance to dance this weekend, let’s hit Sunday
Sabrosura! But that event is crazy crowded and if you don’t get there early to
make friends and find a place to throw your purse, you’ll spend the entire time
painting the wall with your backside. She wasn’t up for that.
two middle-aged, divorced dancers headed to the waterfront to drink and poke fun
of the men our aged, trying to pick up on the women half our age. But truth is,
around here, a drink and a box of “touch of grey” beardcolor and they get those
onesie-wearing 20 somethings. Can’t really blame them. I might have had a daddy
complex at that age too. But now I’m 43 and my friend is turning 60. Good
dancers, decent shape for our age, career women, low-maintenance…but men around
here don’t go for “age appropriate”.
What helped was calling another friend, “S”. Divorced and in dating-hell as well but on
the opposite coast. I told him he’d have much more luck fishing here. We should
trade. We chatted about my birthday hiking trip which got postponed when I
broke my foot. He’ll be joining me in a few weeks on a fast, exhausting trip
around Mt. Ranier. Somehow we got to chatting about another friend of mine who
lives a few hours away near Portland. Well, that is, I consider him a friend.
We all served in the same Battalion but different Companies. Plus, “M” and I went
through AIT together so I knew “M” a bit better than “S” did. Still, “S” being a
good wingman mentioned: “If you told him you were coming here, he would
make the drive, I’m sure of it”.
was one of those people you (Okay, I) meet and think, he’s a good person, we
get on well, he’s into me and he’s not hard to look at… So what’s the
years ago, I cited lack of chemistry. He poured his heart out to me and I was
flattered but also crushing on a former sniper turned philanthropist and a year
later, a former Jesuit priest turned sniper. You might say I have a type. M
particularly hated the Priest. M also never made a move on me so who’s to say a
firm hand in my hair and mouth crushing kiss wouldn’t have gotten my attention?
I vaguely recall an article based on some
supposed scientific study years ago about how we are instinctually attracted to
people with symmetric features. M is asymmetric in a John Wayne meets
Daniel Craig sort of mash up. It’s been more than 10 years now since I’ve seen
him in person but in a recent photo, on the day of his military retirement, he
is reclining, foot propped on an ammo can, thumbs hooked in his belt loops and
squinting into the sun. I think “Lookin good, old man” and I know he
would reply “The older the fiddle, the finer the tune”.
usually hike solo but I’m staying with “S” and he’s taking time off to hike
with me. Would S want to share our time together? I think not but again, I assume
he’s just being a dutiful wingman suggesting I mention it to “M”. But it got me
text M. Said it was only three days, I was staying with S, understood it was a
far drive…he text back immediately “Shoot, it’s only a three hour drive. I’m
down for a hike and a drink.”
panicked a little then and laid the groundwork of expectations: “I’m fat and
slow now so don’t judge.”
replied “I’ll leave it to the Christians to do the judging.”
said “Great! Can’t wait to pee in the woods with you next month”.
the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me” he text back.
Maybe he wont be able to make it, I think. Maybe
I don’t want him to. I don’t have any mojo currently. Especially after Friday
night’s costuming attempt at home that became a private humiliation, discovering
I couldn’t squeeze into pre-laced corsets that I fit just two months ago. I was
big then and I’m even bigger now.
there I was: Prancing around feeling like I was caught in a giant Chinese
finger trap, singing “Look ma! I’m a sausage!” and wondering if I was going to
have to call for backup before I finally Hulked and ripped the zipper clean
off. Fuck, that was my leather Gamora / BDSM corset too.
Meanwhile, M looks the same. And I’m obsessing “Maybe he wont come. Maybe he wont want me anymore. Maybe I wont want him. Maybe he will want me but still won’t make a move. Maybe his dick doesn’t work either, I mean, he is ten years older than me…maybe I should just stick to hiking alone. And don’t nap in the afternoon. And for g-d’s sake, don’t wear that tunic with those pants anymore…”
blogger I follow just posted this:
“Until the new moon in Virgo on Friday, we stand in the liminal darkness of the waning Moon, the dark of the Moon. Slowdown your pace, reflect, contemplate, clean, cleanse, purge, stretch, create space for the wisdom to enter, collect the strength from the Earth, lay low.”
But I’ve been “laying low” for 7 weeks while my
foot healed. But if this weekend proves anything, it’s that Something or
Someone is still holding my arms and trying to tell me “pace, reflect, cleanse”.
Heal. Create space for wisdom to enter. These thoughts racing through my head
this weekend do not come from a place of wisdom. Okay, okay…I’ll try to do