I masterbated tonight like I was single. Am I single? Depends on if you’re asking Rachel or Ross, I suppose. CK and I are still talking, went on a date last weekend but he didn’t stay the night. I told him if he gets up the nerve to shoot himself up in the c*ck with the Xiaflex, to give me a call for a ride because I’ve waited a YEAR and call dibs on the first erection he gets.
But back to masterbating: I was increasingly aroused all day (did I mention I keep a mini vibrator in the glove compartment of the car in case of emergencies? Hey, some people meditate on their breaks. Some of us take the edge off another way). Got home, fed the fur, stripped, poured a drink, closed the bedroom door… It was nasty. Like lube, vibrating anal plugs, double-penetration, whiskey rape myself, over in t wo minutes nasty. Cleaned up and felt much, MUCH more relaxed. Sure, I still masterbate but not like THAT in the year I was in a relationship. Of course I’m not insinuating that sex with myself is cheating and obviously, I’m not shy about my sexuality but I’m sure CK would have been hurt to not be included. And I didn’t want to include him. Not if he cant participate and contribute with his c*ck. I don’t need a spectator. I don’t need the distraction of an unhelpful set of hands. We already know I don’t get off on tongue, but A-for-Effort. So I just played Susie Celibate all year. Even with myself, more or less.
And that’s that.
Oh but separately, while I’m on a roll with the R-rated content, to all the designers that make dresses with zippers in the back: Fuck you.
No really, go fuck yourself. Are you still designing for an era when post-pubescent women were hurriedly married off but at least had a man to help them get in and out of their clothes? I’m done being half-dressed between home and work and asking my dog’s daycare staff to zip me up. Only a contortionist could tackle a hidden back zipper. Modern women would like to be able to dress themselves.