I don’t know why I think that’s so funny. CK shares my humor as we brainstormed a series of children’s books starting with “My First Black Mass” starring the Satans: Lucifer, Lilith and their horde of demon spawn, Azazel, Beelzebub, et al. The Satans get a dog. The Satans get divorced. The Satans are starting to sound like The Simpsons, I warn. It’s marketable alongside Daddy Darth Vader and “Go the Fuck to Sleep”. Hipsters will love it, with or without kids. (PS – this blog serves as a poor man’s copyright).
This is the bond we share. But (his words) “this” has an inanimate connotation though so he prefers “us”. He cherishes “us”; The fumbling discovery and watching my face when I dance. “Even health setbacks have helped us develop in ways that matter”. That resonates with me. He resonates with me. As important as sex is to me, I acknowledge the science behind the it: the release of oxytocin during orgasm that deepens the emotional bond, perhaps binding people that should not be bound together, creating a false sense of love. And so CK’s erectile dysfunction, although frustrating, gives me the sense that this may be the purest affection I’ve ever had for someone, because it’s NOT chemically induced or enhanced.
When I consider my past, those careless, loveless lovers, I shudder and mentally anchor myself in CK. He’s the Cloak of Levitation to my Dr. Strange. I may be gifted but fallible as any human. Logical but finite. Good but not nice. I may be enough without him but demonstrably better with him.
And yet I continue to question how I’ll make this work. Not so much of question of “will it” but “how to do it”. Can I face the rest of my life with a man that cannot, pardon the frankness, penetrate me? Even with pills, I realize now that his dick is like the broken stem of a daisy and a finger curled stiff with arthritis. It will not, perhaps cannot, magically stand erect. I also joked that celibacy has turned my vagina into Fort Knox and it might feel like he is slamming his dick against a brick wall. As he failed to breach me, I joked sympathetically, “Most men would think ‘Great! She’s tight!” but he’s thinking ‘Aw fuck, she’s tight.” His quiet devastation at not being able to fuck his girlfriend was palpable and all I could think to do was hold him and try to reassure him that I was happy just having his naked body on my naked body, which wasn’t a lie. But is that enough? I still wanted him inside me and my brain was screaming “Please, G-d, Universe, Karma, don’t do this to us…” I kept kissing him, encouraging, writhing, grinding, begging…until I came. Unexpected and sudden, I shakily announced “Well that worked”. “Really?!” he asked with…was it relief? Disbelief? Was this enough? I can be satisfied but for the rest of my life with what amounts to a lesbian sexual relationship? I don’t know. So how do we make this work?