I cast an old radio acquaintance with whom I’ve rekindled a connection into an S&M fantasy role and I’m afraid I’ve doomed us before there is an “us” to speak of. After spending some time together in which we both sent mixed signals, we had a grown-up chat and admitted that we “like-like” each other. In the days leading up to our first official date, I fed that oxytocin monster by thinking of him hog tying me like a pro and then cradling me on his aroused lap. Masturbating is challenging by the way, when the kitten I am fostering disregards my need for personal space and insists on nestling between my legs and thinks my vibrator is a toy to be pounced on under the covers.
Months ago, when I approached him about “hanging out”, I don’t believe I did it under false pretenses. I said “Pardon me if I’m coming on strong except that I don’t have any local single friends anymore which means I don’t have any friends anymore.”
I envy my roommate for his bluntness even if it’s inappropriate. On the way out the door today, he wished me “Happy fucking!” If he’s even remotely attracted to a woman, he tells her so directly and right away. Me, I wait for some sort of indicator or flirty signal from the guy before revealing any of my own cards. Partly because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable and secondly Im afraid of rejection. I also don’t want to blow a potential friendship even if the horny devil in me does.
This guy is sentimental in a way that speaks to my heart. Gentlemanly, I like it when his hand guides me at the small of my back. Considerate and not because he’s trying to win some popularity contest. He says he’s trustworthy and as the rest of him seems sincere I suppose that part is too. I like his wit. His nerdiness. The fact that he reads every night and shares my affinity for Winston Churchill. Like me, he writes “cranky blogs and bad poetry” (his words). I like his voice and he offered to read me to sleep sometime so yeah, i like- like him. He’s different from the other Mistakes and that unnerves me a little. The first man in a decade to invite me to meet his parents even before kissing me. Speaking of, I warned him that he’d better be good at that because I’ve broken up with men for Less. And if he’s not the type of man who will throw me against the wall, pull my hair or flog me, at least on special occasions and holidays, it probably won’t work between us.
And maybe that’s where I went wrong.
We agreed to dinner and a movie at my place with me cooking. I put the dog in daycare to ensure I’d not have to compete for my date’s lap. My roommate left town for the weekend so I had the house to myself. I lit candles and mopped the floor 5 times. Made a dinner that was at least a partial success. But after dinner, two movies and 6 hours a close proximity, he did not make a move. Finally at the end of the night as he was getting ready to leave, I could see the gears turning in his head. He leaned in to give me a hug and…kissed my cheek. I told him he wasn’t going to break me and to squeeze harder, nudging him a little. I walked him out to the car and still, the gears visibly , grinding away. But did he step in close, embrace me and Pull Me In… no. He leaned in and pecked me dispassionately, almost dutifully on the mouth. After he left I wondered, is he just shy or not a passionate man? Or is it me? Maybe he didn’t want to make a move. As I watched the gears turn, I grew uncomfortable. I had hoped he would be aggressive, bold.
So now what? Did I put him under too much pressure? Were my expectations too high? No. No, my expectations are my needs and I will not apologize for those. But my interest will fizzle in the absence of sizzle. Even now, I should be working on school assignments, not stewing about the horse that never made it out of the gate. Just keep it in the friend zone, although I hate that term. But if we were just friends, maybe then we would be more relaxed around each other. No more dates, expectations, and awkward brotherly kisses.