(N) ever After

My heart is dust. Dropped and shattered over and over by countless, careless hands. Careless men who couldn’t care less Whether I saw another sunrise. The victim left to bleed out, still wondering if somehow I had asked for it? Did the chemicals or The Chemist betray me? Fleeting and fickle, his attention and care. A drop on my parched tongue, hardly seems fair. My conscience is clear. But my heart is still dust.

What is beyond pathetic? Crying when you masterbate. I cant get off thinking about anyone but him and when I think about him, I start crying.

And I sing myself to sleep sometimes. A self soothing mechanism sadder than a grown woman sucking her thumb. I thought I would sing my children to sleep someday. I also thought I would wake up beside the one G-d blessed me with to love and cherish and be loved and cherished in return.

What a fairy tale scam. Love, fidelity, G-d, Ever After, all of it.  Just a fucking scam.