I can’t even begin to go into it. There are facts hidden among rumors and accusations. Now there is even a formal investigation. Only G-d knows the full truth and may He deliver justice (and exoneration) accordingly. The worst part is, my testimony is being called on and while we have been directed not to discuss it any further, my desk at work is Grandfucking Central Station. And his name comes up. Someone claims they saw him sneaking out of her room at dawn. He says it’s a lie meant to hurt him. But it’s really not about him. It’s about her. Rampant unprofessionalism, undermining the mission and making repeated ‘jokes’ about shooting people she worked with. Ive never met a more miserable human being. She might benefit from counseling and medication.
I don’t know who or what to believe so I take my mother’s advice again: Sometimes you just have to make a choice. And again it comes back to this; does it matter what the truth is? Would it change the end of the story? Is there anything I can do to change it?
Even if he’s innocent, he’s angry. He’s being a dick. I finally snapped “Youre not the only victim here. This is making me physically ILL. So point that fucking finger somewhere else, open your g-ddamned eyes and SEE who is truly responsible for this. I am the one person who gives a shit about what happens to you.”
There is one truth I do know: I cant suddenly stop loving someone just because they stopped loving me.
But I’m trying. I go out. Nice men who buy me drinks and open doors. And I think of all the ways they are not him. When I look at photos of men online, I ask myself “Can you see yourself on your knees in front of him?”
I read some inspirational wisdom on Pinterest yesterday: Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions.