“Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

Without fail, that is the first question asked whenever you are seen at the VA hospital. And almost without fail, I choke back the words, “Not today.”

The mantra, the meditation, the prayers turned desperate pleas “G-d make it stop. G-d help me. G-d why do you hate me?…” It has been a bad week to put it lightly. I won’t go into it. If I did, you might sit back and say, “Oh is that all?” Ant bites on an elephamt. Even I can admit that in the Greater Picture, this is hardly a blot in a Monet but sometimes I lose my perspective. Sometimes I lose my way. I don’t know why this time. It’s not the moon. It’s not my hormones. It’s not me forgetting to take my meds and vitamins. Even the emergency Xanax stash isn’t working well enough.

I don’t hit the wall TOO often but when I do, I hit it hard. How do I cope? I sleep. You cant hurt yourself when you are asleep. So I take whatever I need to to knock myself out and hope I feel better when I wake. And if I don’t, I knock myself out again until I finally wake up with the feeling that I can trust myself. I sleep and pray for it to pass.

My sentimentality and loneliness get the worst of me at times like this. The funny thing is, I really am very easy to keep happy. I don’t require gifts and flowers and copious amounts of attention. Just a word. An email. A couple of lines that say, “I’m thinking of you”, “I miss you”, “Thank you for the cards and cookies, I wish you were here”, “PS- You’re so amazingly sexy!” Just a quick reminder that someone I give a shit about still gives a shit about me. Loved Ones, I wish G-d would reach into your hearts and give you a nudge sometimes. When she crosses your mind, tell her. Because that person may need it more than you can imagine in that very moment. Just one sweet line from you would diffuse the bomb in an instant.

And you have no idea.

So are you thinking about hurting yourself?

Yes. Therefore it’s time for a nap.

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