Smile and say “Penis!”

“Look at him. He’s actually very artistic.”

Me: “All he ever does is draw dicks and flash them at me during meetings.”

“Yeah, but he’s the Rembrandt of dick drawers.”

No, it’s not an out-take from “Superbad” but a real conversation I had at work.  It’s true though. Every man in here doodles dicks but this one in particular “further pushed the boundaries of this program by implementing new accessories to his phallic images such as butterfly wings, gym equipment, and aircraft parts.” (That last part will go on his plaque. Or his NCOER).

Thank g-d I have a girlfriend on this deployment. We meet for dinner at the chow hall most nights and talk about girl stuff. Like dicks.

My friend gives me advice on how to ‘hook up’ since I can count on one hand how many times Ive had sex in the last decade. And it’s MY own fault, she points out, for not ‘putting it out there.’

“If you got him alone and took off your clothes…you are a warm, willing vagina in shitty Afghanistan. He won’t turn you down.”

“But what if he does?”

“Then he’s gay and you move on to someone else. Someone hotter…”

My friend makes it sound fool-proof. Like all I have to do is walk up to Captain America and say, “My vagina is open for business. Now get on your knees.”

Actually, that sounds kind of hot.

But no, I won’t do that.

Maybe in 30 pounds.

I think I’m going to start doodling vaginas and flash them at co-workers at meetings.